Vulnerable narcissism, which some of you may call covert narcissism or neurotic narcissism, is a less-known but more vexing form of narcissism in relationships. However, more and more people are becoming familiar with it. Instead of the grandiose, extroverted, charming, charismatic, “look at me” narcissism—our more traditional understanding of narcissism—it presents as a victimized, resentful, sullen, passive-aggressive, “woe is me” attitude. It’s a malcontented, irritable, and sometimes even socially awkward form of narcissism. Vulnerable narcissists also experience abandonment fears and will constantly test the other person in the relationship.

Grandiose narcissists may initially inspire attraction, and over time, as we get to know them, we might start rolling our eyes in annoyance. But they can also be fun. Malignant narcissists, on the other hand, tend to inspire fear. Vulnerable narcissists often inspire pity. They lack the shine or menace of the other forms of narcissism, which makes this more complicated. You may vacillate between feeling endlessly frustrated by the vulnerable narcissist and feeling guilty for getting mad at them. Vulnerable narcissists are extremely good at playing the victim, acting as though they’ve been wronged, and employing tactics like the silent treatment.

Are you with me so far? I have no doubt that many of you are in these kinds of relationships but didn’t have a name for this pattern for a long time. You may have even felt like a bad person for being frustrated and angry with someone like this. You may have found yourself vacillating between anger and pity for them.

Here’s something that frequently happens in these vulnerable narcissistic relationships. After I mention it, drop a comment if it’s happened to you: they test you. They poke and poke and poke you some more, then say something like, “You really don’t like me, do you?” or “You don’t want me to be here, do you?” or “You can’t stand this family, right?” or “You think I’m a loser, don’t you?” Most of the time, sadly and interestingly, they’re right. You don’t like them, you don’t want to be there, you don’t like the family, and yes, while “loser” is not a kind word, you do think they’re not exactly a solid person.